DEAR DEIDRE: I DISCOVERED lots of sex pictures of my husband’s lover in his phone – and I’ve been on a rollercoaster of emotions since.
My husband is a DJ and is normally away at weekends, and often for weeks at a time, especially in the summer. He is 39 and I’m 27. We met when I was a dancer in a club where he was working.
We have a little girl who’s two. She wasn’t planned and we weren’t married at the time, but he said he was happy to become a dad and it was time he settled down, so he proposed.
But his life carried on much the same while mine changed totally — from the clubbing scene to full-time mum.
When lockdown meant he would be home for a few weeks or months, I thought we would have time to catch up as a family but he was grumpy and snappy. He said he wasn’t happy with me.
He would always go into the garden to answer his phone and be out there for ages. I felt uneasy and checked his phone when he went out for a run one day and forgot to lock it.
There were so many explicit photos from this woman and there were similar photos from him to her. I knew it was definitely him because he has a mole on his groin.
My world fell to bits and I confronted him when he got back. He tried to deny it at first and say she was just some fan. But when I described the photos he’d sent her, his face changed.
He knew finally he’d been caught. He then admitted everything. She is 36, manages a club abroad and he met her last summer. He has promised to stop all communication with her and says he wants his marriage to work.
But I am so hurt. I keep having visions of the two of them together and I’m in such pain. How can I move forward?
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DEIDRE SAYS: Rebuilding the trust after such a betrayal is hard. You can’t heal your hurt alone. Your husband has to work to save your marriage too, not just express the wish.
Has he actually said sorry? Because you need to hear that, and for him to say how much he loves you and your little girl.
Tell him you need lots of loving hugs, to do some honest talking and, just as important, listening.
He may struggle with domesticity but doing his fair share will increase his respect for your role. Insist he shares all the chores, cooking and childcare 50-50 from now on, because it will probably be a while before his work starts up again and it’s a valuable opportunity.
When he does go back to work, can you go with him more often, to help prevent your lives drifting apart and to help his bond with his daughter?
My e-leaflet Your Relationship MOT will help.
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