I’m more of an opener than a closer — I’m pretty good at making initial contact with someone I’m into, but it can be hard for me to seal the deal. If you’re anything like me, you’re wondering how to turn a flirtation into a sexual experience during these hot, hot (weather-wise) months. You might not be looking for someone to just hang out with — you might be looking to get that dick appointment (an appointment to have sex with someone, not, as I originally thought, a rude doctor). If so, I have exactly the texts you need to make sure that you can schedule some time for a little lovin’ this summer.
If you want someone to come over and give you sexual satisfaction, your texts should make that clear. As I’ve learned many times, being on the same page is crucial to even enjoying intimacy, so I found you some texts that are both clear and irresistible. Of course, you’re allowed to turn a dick appointment into a relationship or a friendship later on (or it might already be a friendship) if that’s what you want, but for the purposes of Initial Pubic Offering (like an IPO, but sexy), keeping it casual can help. Despite the name "dick appointment," many of these texts don’t reference specific genitalia or can be easily updated for whoever you’d like to schedule sex with.
Read on to find 10 texts to schedule a little more dick in your life.
1. "U Up?"
An oldie but a goodie. "U Up?" is simple but clear — the person knows you’re interested, but they also know you’re not looking to go out to a fancy dinner and walk along the beach for hours. You’re looking for sex, and this text is a way to get it.
2. "I Miss Your Genitals"
"I miss you" is a sweet text, but it might be too sweet. "I miss your genitals" lets them know you’re thinking of them, but you’re specifically interested in sex. They’ll respond with something that makes clear whether or not they feel similarly about your downstairs, and it’ll be a great pathway to scheduling some sex.
3. "Want To Come Over At 11:15?"
It’s an appointment for a reason — it should happen at a specific time. And too early in the evening could be misconstrued as a date (unless you want that, in which case, 11:15 p.m. is a little late). Giving them a specific time allows them to plan their evening, which is considerate and convenient for both of you.
4. "I Can’t Stop Thinking About The Other Night"
If you’ve slept together once before, you might want to make a specific reference to it. I’ve slept with people who didn’t realize how much I was enjoying myself at the time (I’m quiet, but only in bed), so sending a follow-up text like this is a perfect way to score.
5. "Could I Pencil In Your Paintbrush?"
Whatever you do, don’t compare their penis to a pencil (take it from someone who knows). Think paintbrush, but a really thick kind, like the type you’d use to draw a monochromatic sky. And then text them this — they’ll be sure to get you on the schedule.
6. "Been Wet All Day"
This is appropriate if you’ve been on the East Coast at any time in the past two weeks — it’s rainy nonstop. But it’s also appropriate if you’ve been thinking about some killer sex, which I can only imagine you have if you’re looking for the sexytime appointment. This is a short but hot text that will undoubtedly get their attention.
7. "Want To Come Over And Not Watch TV?"
Be clear about what you want. Sometimes, saying what you don’t want sends a crystal-clear message about what you do want, and this can be a perfect way to send something vaguely appropriate but still obvious.
8. "My Shower Has Incredible Water Pressure"
There’s more to sex than just sex — there’s also the perks of checking out a new apartment. Let them know you want them to have a good time overall. Of course, you’re enticing enough without a sick shower, but it’s a fun, flirty text that will make them smile. And water is universally sexy.
9. "I Know We’re Both Busy But I’d Love To Schedule Some Sex"
This is a fun text because it has an exciting misdirect right at the end. A lot of professional messages start with a reference to busy-ness (why is everyone so busy?), but this one ends with something much more exciting than a meeting. So shoot this off to a potential lover, and wait for them to respond with their avails.
10. "Do You Like GCal Invites And Also My Vagina?"
Sending someone a Google Calendar invite for sex is bold. I’m not going to say I’ve never done it, but you never really know who’s looking at someone’s calendar. If you want to send a flirty text that references a calendar, however, that can be a great way to make a joke without upsetting the actual flow of their calendar. And humor is ideal for getting that banging appointment. This works whether or not you have a vagina — you can sub in your particular body parts, and you’ll be sure to win them over.
Armed (or whatever part of the body is sexiest to you) with these 10 texts, you should be scoring that dick appointment in no time at all. After all, everyone is busy, and you want to be able to schedule sex, or else it becomes like flossing and you never do it (OK, maybe that’s just me, but anyway). Send these to whomever you’ve been eyeing, and enjoy the sexy time! 100-degree weather isn’t the only thing that should be making you hot this summer.
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